Inconceivable.
By Kimiko Bwalya.
The Zambian Marriage Handbook: A Summary
Get married.
Have children shortly thereafter.
Live happily ever after (perhaps).
Simple enough.
But what happens if you decide that the way things should be isn't actually the way you want them to be?
In my early twenties, the idea of being a mother felt like a natural progression. Dreams of a house filled with love, softness, dysfunction, and everything else that comes with having your own tribe, were ones I entertained with ease. Motherhood was on the cards; not because of societal or family pressure, but because it was something I thought I wanted.
However, ageing tends to bring with it a duffle bag of things that it unloads along the way. Out of mine came the realisation that what I actually liked was the idea of having children, not the reality of it. It was an uncomfortable truth that I had to settle into but one that I'm grateful for. Now, in my thirties, my greatest accomplishment has been making the decision not to reproduce.
If you live in Zambia, you can appreciate the weight of that choice and perhaps even commend me on my willpower. Children are viewed as blessings from above, something to be fervently prayed for at any sign of a "delay," a retirement plan...an expectation. Relatives, friends, and acquaintances have their binoculars out the minute you tie the knot, and a lack of boundaries means they aren't shy to ask you when (not IF) a baby will be coming.
When colleagues bring up the issue of little ones, being the polite person that I am, I bury my irritation under a smile and often make a joke before expertly steering the conversation in a different direction. Frank exchanges that explore my reasoning are ones that I don't think they are ready for.
Handling parents and in-laws is a different ball game altogether. I steer clear of engaging with them because I have yet to unlock the level of bravery required to look them in the eyes and tell them to never expect grandchildren.
To be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with starting a family; it can be an incredible and fulfilling experience. However, it's just one that is of no interest to me (a position I have shared with my husband and one we are still navigating).
I love the freedoms that come with being child-free – the ability to go anywhere at the drop of a hat, not having to choose between buying a pack of Pampers or my beloved Lindt chocolates, and just being able to put me first. Some might view this as selfish. Maybe, but why does that have to be a bad thing?
I am of the opinion that the real tragedy would be to bring an unwanted child into an already challenging world. Others may swear that I'll live to regret my decision. Perhaps I will – the great part is that they don't have to share in any future lamenting I may end up doing.
Startlingly, many often ask those who don't have children who will take care of them when they get old. That is a question breathtaking in both its formation and stupidity. I believe a minute or two’s reflection would make the flaws in their logic quite apparent.
According to a recent Gallup poll, 7 per cent of parents in America stated that if they had to do it all over again, they would never have added children into their life equation. That's a huge burden to carry; to go through the reel of your life back to what would end up being one of the most significant moments of your existence, and wish it had never happened – that’s not something I’d wish on anyone.
I am not an anti-natalist, nor am I someone who is militant in their stance. I'm just a human being open to all that this life has to offer, the good, the bad, the complex, the drawbacks and the draw-ins...on my own terms, whatever that may look like.
Months or years or even a decade from now, if you do happen to see me with a babe in arms, you can rest assured that they were not the result of a need to keep a man, put a smile on the face of others, silence gossip, or to prove a point. They were the result of love, desire, and most importantly, choice.
Until then, I shall continue browsing furniture websites for the perfect white couch, one of the glorious perks of not having little jam-covered hands run haphazardly around my house!
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